Chasing the Wind

I gave blood after lunch today, and I’m following the nurse’s orders – relaxing, eating cookies, drinking water, blogging. Giving blood is only a minor inconvenience to you and can help save lives, so consider it when you next get the opportunity. And you get free toys – last time I got a frisbee, today I got a t-shirt.

If there’s anything that would make me want to stop giving blood, though, it’s those horrible questions they ask you as part of the screening process. I can’t imagine a more offensive set of questions. I try to skip them by saying up front, “I haven’t had aspirin, take no medications or drugs, I’m an overgrown boy scout and voluntarily celibate pleasedontaskmethosequestions.” It didn’t work; the FDA mandates they ask them.

“Are you on any medications?” No.
“Are you taking or ever taken drugs?” No.
“Ever get really toked up at parties?” What? No, I don’t.
“Ever do cocaine, marijuana, LSD, PBS, NBC, or CBS?” No.
“Wanna get high later?” No.
“Have you ever had diabetes, high blood pressure, angina, pectin?” No.
“Have you ever had lymphoma, psoriasis, myopia, excessive acne?” No.
“Ever travelled to Africa, Europe, Asia, or San Francisco?” Not lately.
“Ever known anybody who’s ever been to Africa?” No.
“Ever had sex with Africa?” No.
“Ever shared a needle with an African with high blood pressure high on cocaine?” No.
“Ever had sex for money?” They’d pay me for that?
“Ever paid for for sex using drugs?” No.
“Ever had sex with a man, a woman dressed as a man, or anybody from Oman?” No.
“Ever had sex with an insect, a suspension bridge, or building materials?” No.
“Ever had sex with a tarantula or paid to have sex with a tarantula while high on cocaine in Africa?” No.

Gadzooks. By the time they’re done with the questions, I feel like I’ve learned more than I ever wanted to know about the downfall of civilations and human depravity.

The nice nurse took some quickie vital signs. Now this morning, I used the office blood pressure machine to check my own blood pressure. I’ve been worried about it fluctuating but mostly being high. Before I let a doctor medicate me, though, I need to head back to the gym and work it down myself. When I tested myself, my blood pressure was 160/100. I know, I know – time to see a doctor. The GiveBlood people took my blood pressure and told me it was 120/60. These two sets of numbers aren’t even close, so either the machine I’m using is inaccurate, or the GiveBlood people are.

Afterwards, they told me something new – if I change my mind in the next 14 days, I can call an 800 number. Who changes their mind after they give blood? “Yo, I changed my mind. Turned out I needed that, so put it back.”

Cookies are gone, relaxation is over. Gotta go have a meeting about a compressor now. I’m going to take my big green arm bandage and my finger-prick bandage with me, like I deserve a purple heart for my recent office activities.