Chasing the Wind

This just in: John Kerry plans to accept the nomination. *zzzzz*

I’ve barely discussed the Democratic National Convention. And do you know why?

That’s right. It’s B-O-R-I-N-G. The only thing remotely interesting was Teresa Heinz telling a reporter to shove it. I was hoping for something interesting to happen:

• John Kerry announces a new “Principles for Money” campaign. If you feel strongly about an issues, John Kerry will espouse your view for significant campaign contribution.
• John Edwards calls the Democrats the “Party of Hope.” Why? “Because I hope we win, you idiot,” Edwards replies.
• John Kerry announces a key platform of his campaign, “Clowns Need Love, Too.” Kerry blames the small clown cars on a failed Bush policy of “No Clown Left Behind” even though spending on clowns have increased 60% under George Bush. Kerry promises to replace the itty bitty clown cars with larger cars from Renault with safety airbags.
• Barnum and Baily Circus announce they’re now a 527 corporation. Renault, too.
• Teresa Heinz takes offense at being called “a safety airbag”.
• Kerry says he’ll never cross a picket line. A reporter asks, “What about the Boston police officers picket line outside?” Kerry claims, “That’s not really a picket line. It’s more of a, um… congo line.”
• The Secret Service surround the buffet and ask Michael Moore to step away for safety of the delegates.
• Kerry declares France to be the 51st US state and promises new goverment-subsidized caviar. “But not the good stuff,” Teresa corrects.
• Kofi Anan agrees to find Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq if the Democrats win.
• The “Oil-for-Food” program becomes the 52nd US state.
• Teresa Heinz agrees to stop calling the Democrats “putrid.” “That was before I knew I might become First Lady,” she explains.
• Due to pressure from disparate liberal groups, the Democratic Party Changes their name to the Gay & Lesbian Communist & Socialist House of Waffles. The new party will oppose gay marriages until a court says otherwise, will oppose any war a year after the war starts, will turn all mansions into homeless shelters unless you’re a Kerry or Edwards any of their friends (who are *not* rich, by the way, not like those nasty Republicans), and promise to appoint judges that reflect American family values as long as they only favor abortion and gay marriages.
• A parade of people that have lost their jobs under the Bush Adminstration give speeches: Whoopi Goldberg, Linda Ronstadt, Al Gore and the Dixie Chicks.
• It is revealed that John Kerry never actually served in Vietnam, that all of the war footage was actually filmed by a young collegiate Steven Spielberg for an “Earnest Goes to War” movie.
• Hillary Clinton addresses the convention delegates and says, “I don’t understand what women see in Bill. He has a tiny Presidential weenie.” Stunned, delegates look for Bill’s reaction, but both Bill Clinton and John Kerry’s daughter are nowhere to be found.
• John Kerry and John Edwards announce that they’re getting married since it’s legal in Boston and vow to wage an assault against narrow-minded homophobic monogomists.
• John Kerry admits that at least one of his purple hearts was for a hangnail. “But it was a really bad hangnail,” Kerry says.
• After serious discussions with PETA, John Kerry and John Edwards agree to marry their dogs, too.

Sadly, none of these events happened, and it’s difficult to get excited about vague “Make America stronger” and “Let’s Bring America Together” speeches. What’s that supposed to mean? I dunno. *zzzzzz*