Dilbert Blog

Scott Adams, author of the comic strip Dilbert, has started a blog. And if you thought his comic strips were off-the-wall, his random daily brain wheezes will surely convince you. Today’s entry, “Blogging Under the Influence:

Today I am whacked out on pain killers because yesterday I had surgery to correct my deviated septum. I didn’t ask a lot of questions about the procedure but I can deduce most of the details based on the way I feel today. Apparently doctors shove a starving wolverine into one nostril, where it scratches and eats until it hits brain. Then they pull him out by his tail. Nurses stop the bleeding by packing each nostril with a queen size mattress that is carefully wrapped around a wino.

Prior to the surgery, I wasn’t worried, at least until I had an unfortunate nose-related dream. In my dream, the surgery was finished and I was admiring my highly functional nose in the mirror. It processed air perfectly but it looked somehow different. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it. Eventually I noticed: I had one huge nostril where before I had two smaller ones. Call it a uni-nostril if you must.

Now I sit here, my brain half functional, my lower ganglia stinking of wolverine breath, wondering if beneath the bandages I have one nostril or two. In my dream, the uni-nostril looked sleek and modern. The only downside I could think of is that this is exactly the sort of thing that can earn you a nickname for life, such as Nostrildamus or Snout Adams.

And if anyone ever used the phrase “I need that like I need a hole in the head,” I would just tilt up my head, flare my huge nostril and say, “You got that right.” Then I would laugh at my own joke until I snorted an entire sandwich and a bag of chips out of my nose hole.

I really shouldn’t be operating a keyboard.

I added him to the blogroll for daily reading, for who can resist a blog about wolverines in their nose?