I went grocery shopping over the weekend. First time I’ve had to do that in a while; I had assigned that chore to Alex. Teenager, fetch me some groceries.

There, next to the peanut butter, was Nutella.

I had been warned that this stuff was addicting. Sinful. Irresistible. Jo sang the Nutella siren song a few weeks back; I knew that if I ever tried it, I’d be doomed to gain hundreds of pounds until I exploded in giant hazelnut and chocolate zeppelin disaster. As Jo put it,

What twisted mind dreamed up this fiendish concoction? Hazelnuts. Chocolate. Enough sugar to choke a horse. Blended into a smooth, creamy spread that calls to me with its siren song long past the time when I should be snacking. Bananas nestle in it. Peanut butter dances with it on my cracker. It clings sensuously to the finger I trail oh-so-lightly across its sleek dark surface.

I looked at the low fat peanut butters and the sugar free jellies. Peanut butter and a nice raspberry jelly went into the basket. After a pause… the Nutella went in the basket, too. Along with some graham crackers to smear it on.

With anticipation last night, I opened the box of graham crackers and twisted off the lid of the Nutella. Plopped in front of FoxNews yammering away on the tube and I spooned a glollop of Nutella onto the graham crackers. I popped it in my mouth.

And waited. Waited for the ecstasy. The ecstasy that never came. What cruel trick is this? This stuff is bland. It has a hint of hazelnut and a hint of chocolate, yet not enough of either to get me excited. I tried a spoonful directly into my mouth. I’d rather just eat chocolate Jello pudding. I wanted to succumb to the Nutella pleasures since such a good friend recommended it, but I felt… nothing. I remembered why I don’t go on blind dates anymore.

Disappointed, I put the lid back on the Nutella and ate the graham cracks plain instead. After a while, I put the Nutella back in the pantry where it will stay, bachelor style, until it either mildews or turns into a dried, cracked lump. Perhaps then I’ll get some use out of it as a chocolate and hazelnut scented air freshener.

Bah.