Headlines in 2029

December 15, 2004

Headlines in 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia (formally known as California).

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwest United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iraq is still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida Democrats still don’t know how to use a voting machine.

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Fun Stuff

cars, Congress, Democrats, IRS, Law, Marriage, President, raise, sin, Supreme Court, Tax, United States

Posted by:

Michael

Follower of Jesus, conservative, freedom-loving patriot.

7 responses to “Headlines in 2029”

Tony

December 15, 2004 at 9:11 am

Oh man are these good. I particularly like the France one. Unforturnately I fear the one about the Supreme Court may not be THAT far off.

Mind if I ‘borrow’ these?

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Stephen

December 15, 2004 at 9:18 am

LOL, thats funny

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Michael

December 15, 2004 at 9:25 am

Help yourself, Tony. I didn’t write them. 🙂

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Another Day Closer

December 15, 2004 at 9:47 am

Future Headlines?
Imagine yourself reaching for your favorite newspaper at your local newsstand. Could one (or more) of these headlines possibly be on the front?

h/t to Michael for getting me started on these.

Spotted owl plague threatens US crops and livest…

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A.M.M.

December 15, 2004 at 1:11 pm

If Jamacia doesn’t take them over, I bet it will be another, smaller, country. It’s either that or the Boy Scouts (assuming they don’t become dissolved to make sure nobody is offended).

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Robert

January 6, 2006 at 7:09 pm

Here’s a few of my own (Yes I did write these myself). Enjoy (or not)

Headlines for 2030…

50 percent of Americans now work for Wall Mart — of those, 75% of had to commute overseas to get the job.

Congress authorizes the NSA to purchase all U.S. telecommunications companies, saying the move will save the taxpayers money on more than 10 million illegal wiretaps.

Continuous profits for drug manufacturers have driven costs to where the average American pays more for health care coverage than they earn in wages.

After two decades of devastating losses in the Great Middle East War, Republican leadership continued to encourage the country to ‘stay the course’, saying ‘we’re turning the corner’. They further stated that if we ‘cut and run’ now, it will make the previous 928,000 American deaths meaningless.

One Republican Senator — who asked to remain nameless — admitted that he felt that “perhaps invading Iraq was a ‘wee-bit’ of a mistake after all”.

In an unrelated story, efforts to find a missing Senator have not turned anything up so far. The Federal Assassination Bureau indicates they have no leads in the disappearance.

After overturning Roe v Wade in 2006, the Supreme Court has further determined that all women over the age of 18 must be impregnated — or face criminal charges.

In a move heralded by conservatives as a victory for all Americans, the 15th and 19th Amendments have been rescinded. Only American’s with an annual income in excess of $5 million will have the right to vote. The President declared, “It’s good for business — and what’s good for business is good for everyone”.

Advancing on the pioneering efforts of the Bush Administration decades ago, all applicants for important government positions must not — under any circumstances — have any prior experience relevant to the position. However, they must have prior experience in large-scale Republican campaign fund raising.

The Department of Homeland Security has announced that its “Family Search and Seizure Act” will be expanded to use ultrasound on pregnant women in each household — “for a safer America”.

The Supreme Court is asked to review the constitutional requirement that all non-Christian Conservative Republicans carry red cards and have license plates that identify themselves as “unpatriotic heathen liberal”. However…

Judges placed on the Supreme Court by conservative Republicans over that last 30 years have now ruled that the entire Constitution is unconstitutional.

The nation is changing its name to more accurately reflect current American values — and will now be known as “The People’s Republic of Exxon”.

The Trade Deficit with China has risen to 278 trillion dollars. Along with free technology provided by the past 5 administrations, China becomes the world’s leading power.

When asked what will become of the unpayable American debt, Chinese Premier Lee Scott Jr. declared: “No problem, you all work for us now”.

Robert (in, where else? California).

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Michael

January 12, 2006 at 9:28 am

I suppose those would be funnier if I had any sort of liberal tendancy.

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About Me

Michael, a sinner saved by grace, sharing what the good Lord has shared with me.

Solomon, in the book of Ecclesiastes, said, “I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”

If you’re not living for the glory of God, then what you’re doing is meaningless, no matter what it is. Living for God gives life meaning, and enjoying a “chasing after the wind” is a gift from God. I’m doing what I can to enjoy this gift daily.

Got questions? I’m not surprised. If you have any questions about Chasing the Wind, you can email me at chasingthewind@outlook.com.

Chasing the Wind