The Fine Print of the Immigration Bill

Fortunately, the Senate gagged on ramrodding (which is different than “Hillary Ramrodding”) the immigration bill down The People’s Throat. It’ll give us more time to hoot and hollar and threaten to vote for the other party. James Lileks offers these highlights of the immigration bill this morning, and it’s amazing what they thought they could slide by us. Bah. Put the Hokey Pokey back in, you nimrods (which is different than “Hillary Nimrod”):

6 (1) (D) Undocumented Xenonationals who have been in the country since noon March 16, 2004 (this language reflects a compromise between the hardline “AM” faction and moderates who wanted to extend the deadline to 4:57 PM) will have to report to a government office to announce they are departing. This is the HIMBG Provision, or the “Hello, I Must Be Going” provision. Immigrants will have to return to the Mexican border, put their left foot in, put their left foot out, put their left foot in and shake it all about. (Language requiring that the applicant then “do the hokey pokey was removed over an inability to define the exact nature of said action.) The immigrant is then required to return to the place where he announced he was leaving, present a notarized photograph of himself sticking a portion of his body into Mexican airspace; at that point, he will be eligible to receive a “Q” visa, which enables him to start the process towards a “Z” visa, which estabishes a legal framework towards a “path towards citizenship,” although applicants who have paid 67% of their adjusted tax burden over the last 14 years, minus inflation, will be put on a “jogging path” towards citizenship.

The entire process will take no less than seven years, during which the applicant may not work, but must stand absolutely still in a small room while reciting the Constitution. (Spanish is permitted for the boring Amendments.)

I. (7) (3.14) There shall be a fence stretching 356 miles. The fence shall be three feet high. Paper mache crocodiles shall reside on the other side, arrayed in a threatening manner ($400,000 shall be appropriated to determine the optimum angle of the opened jaw; the final crocodile shall represent a consensus among herpetologists, and reflect a crocodile who is defending his position but showing his teeth to warn off, and not necessarily threaten violence.) Every nine miles, there shall be a sign that reproduces the FBI warning that precedes all DVDs and videotapes and warns of criminal liability for breaking the copyright law. (It has worked so well thus far the language might as well be used intact.) The fence shall be raised to four feet in the event the population of any state becomes 51% undocumented Xenonationals. The fence shall be raised to five feet in the event GOP presence in the Senate drops below 4 seats. The fence shall be raised to ten feet after a nuclear device is smuggled in from Mexico, providing the yield of the bomb is at least 4 (four) kilotons. A bomb with a yield between 3 and 3.99 kilotons will be a sufficient trigger to raise the fence only if the attendant radiation is carried by prevailing winds a distance greater than 20 miles.

T. (t) (t) $779,000 shall be allotted to create Inez, a mascot who provide a welcoming and comic presence to the INS offices.; $3.2 million for an ad campaign that raises awareness of Inez; $2.9 million to be put in escrow from the inevitable sexual harassment suit after Woodsy Owl learns about here; that bird can’t keep his wings to himself; $1.2 million to buy out Woodsy’s contract

7 (b) (f) (f) The government shall, at its discretion, ignore the hell out of any of this

II. 5.6 All legal immigrants will be required to go through the entire process again, just to rub their noses it in. Mark Steyn shall sit in his car on a bridge between Canada and the United States until he learns his place.

R. R. (x) Any illegal immigrant from a state known to sponsor terrorism will be required to renounce terrorism by an oath of utmost solemnity. This act shall also supply funds for translators to determine the equivalent of “pinky swear” in other tongues. The translator will work through the world’s languages in reverse alphabetical order.

XX (vi) Employers found guilty of employing illegal aliens must perform the crying aria from Pagliacci.

F. (U) This bill shall be passed before anyone can read it.

Dilbert Blog

Scott Adams, author of the comic strip Dilbert, has started a blog. And if you thought his comic strips were off-the-wall, his random daily brain wheezes will surely convince you. Today’s entry, “Blogging Under the Influence:

Today I am whacked out on pain killers because yesterday I had surgery to correct my deviated septum. I didn’t ask a lot of questions about the procedure but I can deduce most of the details based on the way I feel today. Apparently doctors shove a starving wolverine into one nostril, where it scratches and eats until it hits brain. Then they pull him out by his tail. Nurses stop the bleeding by packing each nostril with a queen size mattress that is carefully wrapped around a wino.

Prior to the surgery, I wasn’t worried, at least until I had an unfortunate nose-related dream. In my dream, the surgery was finished and I was admiring my highly functional nose in the mirror. It processed air perfectly but it looked somehow different. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it. Eventually I noticed: I had one huge nostril where before I had two smaller ones. Call it a uni-nostril if you must.

Now I sit here, my brain half functional, my lower ganglia stinking of wolverine breath, wondering if beneath the bandages I have one nostril or two. In my dream, the uni-nostril looked sleek and modern. The only downside I could think of is that this is exactly the sort of thing that can earn you a nickname for life, such as Nostrildamus or Snout Adams.

And if anyone ever used the phrase “I need that like I need a hole in the head,” I would just tilt up my head, flare my huge nostril and say, “You got that right.” Then I would laugh at my own joke until I snorted an entire sandwich and a bag of chips out of my nose hole.

I really shouldn’t be operating a keyboard.

I added him to the blogroll for daily reading, for who can resist a blog about wolverines in their nose?