Best Blonde Joke Ever

Found this over at The Insomniac. Best blonde joke ever.

Tell me what you think. 🙂

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Dilbert Blog

Scott Adams, author of the comic strip Dilbert, has started a blog. And if you thought his comic strips were off-the-wall, his random daily brain wheezes will surely convince you. Today’s entry, “Blogging Under the Influence:

Today I am whacked out on pain killers because yesterday I had surgery to correct my deviated septum. I didn’t ask a lot of questions about the procedure but I can deduce most of the details based on the way I feel today. Apparently doctors shove a starving wolverine into one nostril, where it scratches and eats until it hits brain. Then they pull him out by his tail. Nurses stop the bleeding by packing each nostril with a queen size mattress that is carefully wrapped around a wino.

Prior to the surgery, I wasn’t worried, at least until I had an unfortunate nose-related dream. In my dream, the surgery was finished and I was admiring my highly functional nose in the mirror. It processed air perfectly but it looked somehow different. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it. Eventually I noticed: I had one huge nostril where before I had two smaller ones. Call it a uni-nostril if you must.

Now I sit here, my brain half functional, my lower ganglia stinking of wolverine breath, wondering if beneath the bandages I have one nostril or two. In my dream, the uni-nostril looked sleek and modern. The only downside I could think of is that this is exactly the sort of thing that can earn you a nickname for life, such as Nostrildamus or Snout Adams.

And if anyone ever used the phrase “I need that like I need a hole in the head,” I would just tilt up my head, flare my huge nostril and say, “You got that right.” Then I would laugh at my own joke until I snorted an entire sandwich and a bag of chips out of my nose hole.

I really shouldn’t be operating a keyboard.

I added him to the blogroll for daily reading, for who can resist a blog about wolverines in their nose?

Progressive Christianity

I’m convinced the liberal left is working on a new tactic – to claim christianity for themselves. That’s right, if you believe in the right to have an abortion, they’re working on scripture interpretation to support it. Gay marriage? They push a “God is Love” approach that allows homosexuality and completely skip over the “homosexuality is bad” scripture. Whatever you want to do, they will say God approves it.

These new “progressive Christians” are insisting that it’s the liberal left that has a claim on Christianity, and any claim by the religious right is in error. From a link at Jesus Politics comes this article, The lame joke of progressive Christianity.

Are you a proponent of abortion and gay rights? Want to get in touch with your inner-sodomite, but can’t reconcile it with those bigoted Bible lessons you were taught in Sunday school? No problem, there is a place for you among a free-thinking community of leftists where, indeed, it is possible to advocate such practices and still call yourself a faithful follower of Christ. Adherents of this new, enlightened form of Christianity are sure to take the Bible “seriously but not literally.” That is, they respect the holy book but are by no means bound by what it actually says, or even what it implies. Like our Constitution, I guess one could say that the Bible has become a living document to be twisted and manipulated at will.

The “progressive” christians are for higher taxes under the umbrella of “economic justice for all” and criticize conservative fiscal policies as being incompatible with scripture. Take it from the rich give it to the poor by excessive taxation is their motto. Does that fulfill Christian scripture? The New Testamament is about giving willingly, not taking it from others by law and distributing it, but the “progressive” see it differently.

Moreover, long subjugated by the “powerful political machine” of right-wingers, Christians on the left are finally speaking out about what they see as a “clash of competing Christian values.” Yes, that’s right — abortionists, socialists, and sodomites are now in a perceived tug-of-war with fundamentalist conservatives for the heart of Christianity.

That’s right, don’t resist whatever sin you face – embrace it publically for all the world to see! Dang blasted conservative christians always telling people to repent – what’s up with that?

Don’t be fooled. This is a Christianity rooted not in the Scriptural truths of God, but in the personal predilections of Man. It is no alternative to salvation. The simple fact is that the “narrow gate” is narrow by design and every one of us has a particular cross to bear on our way through it — some admittedly heavier and more burdensome than others. Nonetheless, we are all called with equal ardor to the house of brotherhood and grace.

John Kerry bumbled this attempt during the 2004 election, but Hillary Clinton is perfecting her message now to be able to twist scripture in a way to promote radical feminism, environmentalism, gay marriage, whatever liberals want. She’ll have it ready by 2008.

Want to see an example of this progressive Christianity in action? Check out this Bill McKibben article The Christian Paradox in yesterday’s Harper’s online magazine – while under the guise of stirring Christians into action, the article spends most of its energy bashing the religious right for failing in their attempts or for not having done enough – when it’s “progressives” like the author that oppose the agenda of the religious right. They oppose the religious right’s teaching of abstinence in school, then complain teenage pregnancy is up. They complain about the divorce rate rising yet are silent on the numbers of people that choose to cohabitate without getting married. They complain about poverty yet oppose faith based initiatives.

Update: Christian CADRE has a lengthy response to the Christian Paradox article that’s well worth reading from a conservative Christian apologetics viewpoint.

2 Timothy 3:2-5
Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.

Matthew 7:15-16
“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them.

I wonder if progressive christians realize their viewpoint is almost identical to the non-christians?

Due to Inflation, Inches Are Longer

Once upon a time, I could walk into any department store and buy a pair of pants that fit. 34″ inseam, 34″ waist. They always fit perfectly. Over the last 5 years I’ve gained a little weight and I’m now wearing 38/34, but I’m working that off again (I’ve lost 17 lbs in 2 months!)

Last year I bought a pair of jeans, 38/34, took them home… and they were too long. Because I procrastinate, I eventually had them altered. I had 2″ taken off the length. I thought it odd that they were too long. My inseam doesn’t change, does it?

Today I realize a pair of pants I’ve had for the last couple of years is too long. I’ve been stepping on the back of the pants leg all day. I’m not going to panic – I most certainly am not shrinking.

So what could be the cause of these protracted, prolonged pants? Here are some ideas I’ve come up with:

  • I’m wearing shorter shoes. If my shoes are shorter, the pants will hang longer. But I just wear plain old men’s shoes with maybe 1″ high shoes. I’m certain I’ve never owned 3″ high shoes.
  • Due to inflation, 34 inches from 20 years ago is now 36″. So I need to buy 2005 32″ inseam in order to get the 34″ inches I expect. You would think I’d need a smaller waist size, too, but that hasn’t happened.
  • Due to the extra medium large waist, my weight is compressing my legs. Once I was 34″, now 32″, eventually I’ll compress until I’m just a torso sitting on the ground. I’ll need to be outfitted with roller skates to get around. The extra weight might be compressing my shoes, too, now that I think of it.
  • My son is performing an incredibly complex practical joke on my by lengthening all my pants by 2″ so I feel shorter.

I don’t know what it is, but I’ll get to the bottom of it. And at the rate I’m shrinking, I won’t even have to bend over.

What the Liberals are Stooping to Now

Oh, those liberals are such pranksters! Ha ha ha, you just got to love the little jokes they play at election time!

Here’s a list of what those little kidders have been up to recently:

September 18, Gainesville Florida, punching the chairman of the Republican Executive Committe in the face.

September 19, Columbus Ohio, attacking a soldier because of his service in Iraq.

October 1, Bellevue Washington

computers that stored the Republican get-out-the-vote database were stolen in a burglary at the Republican headquarters there.

October 3, Fairbanks, Alaska, breaking windows.

October, Canton Ohio, burglary of Bush-Cheney campaign headquarters.

October, West Virginia, gun shots fired at headquarters.

October, Florida, gunshots fired at headquarters.

October 5, Knoxville Tennessee, gun shots fired through campaign headquarter windows.

October 5, Miami Florida, 100 Union Protestors stormed the Bush-Cheney offices and shoved volunteers around.

October 5, Tampa Florida , 35 Union Protestors threatened elderly volunteers.

October 5, Orlando Florida, 60 Union Protestors stormed and ransacked the local Bush-Cheney headquarters, injuring two campaign staffers (with video).

October 6, Fairbanks, Alaska, breaking windows.

October 7, Monterrey California death threats.

October 10, Spokane Washington:

Offices that house President Bush’s re-election campaign in Spokane were broken into and vandalized last night, the latest in a string of crimes at Republican offices across the country.

October 12, Spokane Washington:

I thought you like to see what a nasty Kerry fan did to the windshield and side window of my car this weekend. Attacking the encouraging hate sign that way is particularly revealing.

The Bush-Cheney wrote the AFL-CIO yesterday asking them to call off the attacks by union members:

“I hope you will put an end to protest activities that have led to injuries, property damage, vandalism and voter intimidation,” Racicot wrote to AFL-CIO President John Sweeney. “We will hold you and your organization accountable for the actions of your members and urge you to immediately discontinue any coordinated protest efforts.”

AFL-CIO took credit for the Monday October 4 demonstrations in Independence, Mo., Kansas City, Mo., Dearborn, Mich., St. Paul, Minn., and West Allis, Wis. on their website.

Apparently this is so common place there’s a website devoted to it now: When Angry Democrats Attack.

Offensive Sacrilege

Via Pamibe comes an article about as offensive as the left can be.

I always wonder this about the extreme left: they preach Political Correctness (PC) everywhere. Can’t say this cuz it offends group A. Can’t say that, cuz it offends group B. I know I’m allowed to call myself white, but if you’re another race, I have no idea what’s allowed anymore. But these leftist extremists have absolutely no qualms about offending conservative Christians. None. Anything offensive, like a portrait of the Virgin Mary painted with dung, is done in the name of Freedom of Expression.

They’re at it again. Tell me which of these two new creations you think are more sensitive, more PC:

sacrilege

The lying adulterer Bill Clinton’s head on the body of Jesus Christ (available on t-shirts, coffee mugs, or lunchboxes), or

offensive

a bib for babies that says, “I (heart) abortion)”.

So much of American domestic and foreign policy is created from a Christian morality-based standpoint, and that is what offends so many people who are not Christian.

And it’s been this way since the Mayflower landed and these people are just now figuring out that this country has a “Christian morality-based standpoint?”

I respect the right of a Muslim, Hindu, Taoist, athiest, secular humanist, pagan, or whatever to believe whatever they want. I used to joke as a kid that I believed in Whammoism, that when you died your soul turned into a Frisbee and got stuck on the roof. Whatever you want to believe, really. I also happen to think you’re missing out on the joys of Christianity and given the opportunity will be happy to share my beliefs with you, but ultimately it’s your choice.

And I’ll respect your right by not making fun of reincarnation, enlightenment, mandatory vegetarianism, or whatever beliefs you may have. I’ll draw the line at Muslim extremism that advocated blowing up children, but other than that, sacrifice as many goats as you want. Christians don’t win many converts when we belittle others; we win believers when we live by example.

Your may think your Bill Clinton sacrilege or your celebration of the loss of pre-infant life is funny, but it’s offensive to Christians.

Your hypocracy of demanding PC and simultaneously the right to be offensive is appalling.

Protest Without a Cause

I dunno what came over him, but a little girl named Isis asked California Education Secretary Richard Riordan if he knew her name meant “Egyptian Goddess.”

Riordan replied, “It means stupid dirty girl.”

After some nervous laughter in the room, the girl told Riordan her name meant “Egyptian Goddess.”

“Hey, that’s nifty,” Riordan said.

Afterwards, Riordan issued a statement that said he “teased” the girl, then immediately apologized, and would apologize again for the misunderstanding. The girl’s mother said the daughter was fine, the issue was over, “Obviously it hurt her feelings, but she didn’t take it personally. She knew he was wrong and she let it go, I’m not going to sue them for therapy bills. He’s already apologized repeatedly, I don’t see what else is to be done.”

Story is over, right? Senile old white politician flubs a stupid, inept, and insulting joke, apologizes, and everybody is forgiven…

Except California Democrat State Assemblyman Mervyn Dymally is outraged. He schedules a protest by civil rights organizations, and gives his condemnation about Riordan. He says the child was “a little African-American girl. Would he (Riordan) have done that to a white girl?”

Alice Huffman, president of the California chapter of the NAACP, called for Riorden’s removal. Riorden “is not suitable to lead education in our state.”

The only problem with the protest is that the little girl is white with blond hair.

Dymally did not return telephone calls. His office issued a statement Wednesday calling Riordan’s remarks to the girl “outrageous and irresponsible,” then issued another statement Thursday saying, “To err is human; to forgive is divine.”

“Race is not a factor in this issue,” Dymally said in Thursday’s statement, adding that Riordan had apologized a second time. “It is time for us to move on.”

I suppose. Seems a darn shame to cancel a perfectly good protest though.