Sproing!

I’ve mentioned my radical weight loss plan before, and I’m happy to report I’ve lost 35 lbs. since last November. I’ve been pleased with the skinnier me, though my goal is another 20 lbs to go.

So this morning, a nice pair of slacks that I haven’t worn in maybe 7 years beckons me. “Try me on,” they say. “We know you haven’t worn size 34 slacks in years, but today’s the day!”

I put them on, and glory be, they fit. They look sharp, I look thinner. They look nice in the thighs, on the rear end… they are, perhaps, a bit tight on the waist band though… in fact, I was happy this week I had moved up a notch on my belt to the next-to-last slot, but wearing these pants means tightening the belt up all the way to the last slot. And the belt still sort of dangles loosely. I switch to another, smaller belt.

All is well, all day. Until about 3:00 p.m. All of a sudden there is a SPROING and the waist band suddenly feels looser. The little metal clip above the zipper has given way (or run for it’s life, whatever) and now the only thing keeping a fresh breeze from cooling my nether regions is the valiant zipper, struggling hard to keep my pants closed.

I’m having a serious wardrobe malfunction. Worse, they’re cleaning the men’s room, so there’s no place to go to evaluate the hull breach on deck 34.

I only hope I don’t get called into a meeting unexpectedly so I can just sit here until 5:00 p.m. Then I can sneak out 5 minutes early so nobody will notice. Right now, there’s a tiny little safety pin that thinks it’s up to the job. Just like the little engine that could.

I’m picturing being called into this imaginary meeting. “Michael! Bring us up to date on the … er… never mind. Don’t bring us up to date anymore, we’ve seen enough.”

One hour, 20 minutes until I can go home. Pray for me.

Dang it, when the wardrobe malfunction started, I was carrying a stack of drawings. Back at my desk, I realize I must have left them in one of 3 buildings I crossed while returning back to my desk. I’m having this nightmare of wandering around my office, pants around my ankles, looking for drawings to review.

I need help.