Except for the part where I can’t figure out how to get paid for it, I could snore professionally.
I should have kept y’all up-to-date along the way, but I didn’t. C’est la vie.
I snore when I’m on my back… and my side. Even on my stomach. If I slept hanging from my ankles from the ceiling like a bat, I’d still snore. There’s no such thing as poking me to make me stop, or rolling me over, I’m just going to keep right on snoring.
The first thing I tried was the Breathe Right nasal strips and throat spray. The strips across my nose felt funny peeling off in the morning, the throat spray tasted like cough medicine. But still I snored.
I visited the doctor who prescribed steroids. Since the snoring is caused by soft skin in the nose and throat vibrating against each other, steroids will toughen up that skin so it’s less likely to vibrate. Ha, another feeble attempt to inhibit my snoring.
I saw an otolaryngologist – an ear, nose and throat specialist – who wanted to carve out all my mucus membranes with a carving knife. She said it would be painful, expensive, not covered by insurance, and I’d probably still snore afterwards. Yuck.
I went to the dentist and got a SilentNite mouthguard. I felt funny driving around with a model of my own teeth and mouth in the car. The mouthguard is supposed to keep my jaw forward in a position that inhibits snoring. Ha. I put the mouthpiece in and snored all night long. I’m going to head back to the dentist and see if any adjustments can be made.
Other than continued weight loss, which I’ve been doing, I’m running out of ideas. At least I don’t snore when I’m awake.